The Life of Geek Pie

The problem with most fashion blogs, I think it’s more than fair to say, is that they generally consist of little more than self-taken photos (in a mirror) that show the writer proudly showing off that afternoon’s purchases, whilst the ‘writing content’ rarely stretches beyond ‘OMG!!! Look at what I got in New Look/Gap/Miss Selfridge today!!! OMG!!!’

If, by contrast, you take a – shall we say – more critical approach to the world of fashion, you’re not only largely ruling yourself out of ever receiving any freebies from style PRs eager to buy your support but you’re also in a more compromised situation if you want to take the approach of taking photos of people you see in the street. For example, you might be successful if you approach someone resplendent in whatever’s fashionable that week and say ‘OMG! You’re so cool! Can I, like, take a photo of you for my fashion blog?!’ in a way that you won’t be if you slide up to someone and say ‘Excuse me, sir, but I couldn’t help noticing that you are, by and large, dressed like a gullible twat. Do you mind if I take a photo of you and then slag you off on the Internet?’

Not that I’ve tried that yet, I just have a feeling it might not be entirely successful. I suppose I could approach people and claim I love their style but I don’t think that morally I’d be able to forgive myself. After all, someone in this world needs to have standards.

Still, over the last couple of days I’ve been wishing I could find a way to at least try to photograph people I see on the street in a surreptitious manner. The reason is that over the weekend I’ve begun to notice a new male hairstyle cropping up. It’s been entirely in Dalston and Shoreditch, so I’m assuming it’s so cutting edge that it’s not even appeared in any mainstream magazines yet and so far has only graced the pages of uber-trendy publications that I’m simply not cool enough to even know about, like Cheekbone, the magazine that Vince Noir reads in the Mighty Boosh, a magazine so cutting edge that it’s delivered by ninjas and goes out of date every three hours.

(And to prove the point about this new hairstyle, I’ve just tried to Google a picture of it. Nothing! That's why the article is illustrated by an old school photo of some guy probably out of a Kurosawa film)

So, the hairstyle in question is a topknot. But the back and sides are shaved. I imagine it’s got a name along the lines of the nu-mullet (remember that?) so is possibly called the nu-samurai as I can only imagine the wearer believes it makes him look like some sort of modern day samurai. Sadly, I fear, it makes the wearer look more of a modern day twat.

I wondered if this style came about in the same way as Geek Pie, the hairstyle in Nathan Barley that I’ve already discussed, which is accidentally invented when Dan Ashcroft falls asleep in some paint and then has to flee the barbers when his hair is only half cut, only for Nathan to think it’s the latest trend and get his hair styled in exactly the same way. I can only assume a modern trendy had to flee a salon in similar circumstances when just the back and sides had been shaved and hastily tied the rest at the top of his head (for some reason) only to find people thought it was the latest cool thing and blatantly copied it. I mean, that sounds like a far more plausible explanation than one involving people having their hair like that through choice. Doesn’t it?!?

My suspicion is that this ‘do will vanish from the streets for a few months (as these things tend to) only to return later in the year once mainstream fashion magazines and their gullible followers have become aware of it. So before that happens, I’ve decided to give it a name. It’s a topknot, worn by twats. So I’m going to christen it… the twatknot!

The World of Sportswear - the Graveyard of Style

When I was out for a run the other morning I had a slightly worrying realisation when I looked down at the all-purpose legwear that I’ve worn for pretty much every form of exercise I’ve done in the last six years or so and experienced a eureka moment surely worthy of the machines gaining sentience in the Matrix. ‘Hang on…’ I thought. ‘Are these… shell suit bottoms?!?!’ Now, it’s a worrying thought to be out in public and suddenly think you may be accidentally wearing a shell suit but I resisted the temptation to throw them away and run home bare-legged and instead finished my jog and went home to examine the garment more closely.

In hindsight, I don’t think my running trousers are made of shell suit material, but it’s maybe a bit close for comfort. Still, it got me thinking about the uneasy relationship that there’s often been between the worlds of fashion and sportswear. They normally stay segregated from one another but every now and then something from the world of sports sneaks into the world of fashion and hangs around for a while, hoping it will fit in and become accepted before anyone notices it’s gatecrashed the party. The shell suit tried and failed (though let’s not forget that it was inexplicably successful for a while), as did the bumbag (which I assume was originally worn by marathon runners and probably still is). And I’ve a vague feeling that there was once a time when lycra was worn by some people in a non-sporting capacity (even if it was only at raves).

What invariably happens is that these garments have their cover blown and are subsequently exiled from the world of fashion so ignominiously slope back to whence they came, in a similar way to how some UK actors occasionally find success in America only to slink back a few years later when their popularity has declined, to eke out a living during their twilight years in panto or Emmerdale. A kind of collective mania seems to occasionally take over the world and lead a large number of people to think that an item of sportswear is acceptable attire for everyday life only for people to awake from this madness and hastily throw away said garments, leaving them to continue to be worn only by a few confused souls like chavs (and their all-purpose tracksuits) or portly tourists from the American Midwest (visiting Europe resplendent in their shellsuits and bumbags.)

Essentially it’s a case of pieces of clothing getting ideas above their station, only to be put firmly back in their place. The garments may have qualities that make them ideal for sportswear but that certainly doesn’t mean they’ll automatically work as everyday clothes. Indeed, often the qualities we value in sportswear are exactly what prevents them from working in the everyday world. Lycra’s stretchiness makes it ideal for, say, gymnastics, but how stretchy do you need your clothes to be if you’re going to the pub? Plus it’s a bit tight. If you’re out on the pull do you want everyone to see the outline of your cock and balls?!?

I’ve written before on how I strongly believe sportswear should ever be worn for anything other than sports but that raises a kind of opposite question of whether we should strive to be stylish when exercising. Personally, I don’t think you should be too concerned about how you look when you’re doing physical activity anyway; whilst I did trade in my formless baggy swimming shorts a few months back for a sleeker pair, I can’t do anything about the fact that my hair takes revenge on me whenever I subject it to a swimming pool by rearranging itself so it sprouts off in all directions in bizarre cross between Jim Carrey’s ‘do in Dumb and Dumber and the crazed barnet sported by Australian comedian Yahoo Serious in the historically questionable Young Einstein. And if you’re out running you can expect to get splattered with mud. Martial arts are even more problematic as you’ve got blood and bruises to contend with. So I really don’t think it’s worth it. If anything it suggests you’re not fully committed to exercising anyway.

So it’s pretty straightforward: there are sports clothes and there are normal clothes and ne’er the twain shall meet. Would you wear a tuxedo to play tennis? Probably not. But, more importantly, once you start entertaining the idea of donning sportswear when venturing into the outside world you have to bear in mind it’s a slippery slope. Today you might decide to nip to the corner shop in your running gear but what’s to say that in a few weeks’ time you won’t have decided it’s okay to pay a visit to Sainsburys wearing nothing but a pair of Speedos?