Thoughts on Which Day of the Year the Shops are the Quietest, Plus Why River Island isn’t That Bad (Though It Does Stock Some Shocking Things)

Towards the end of February each year the BBC generally reports that there’s a particular date around that time that has been deemed by someone to be officially the Most Depressing Day of the Year. Whenever I hear of something like this I’m reminded of Frankie Boyle’s piece about how scientists clearly have too much time on their hands, where the first scientist says ‘Shall we have a go at curing cancer?’ and the other replies, ‘No, I’m going to see how many fruit pastilles it takes to choke a kestrel.’ But if scientists have indeed established a single date as the most depressing of the year, which other dates have they flagged up as being significant in a similar way?

More to the point, have they made any discoveries regarding the Best Day of the Year to Go Shopping? I would imagine someone in the retail world has done research in this area, but whilst there are the obvious times when it’s going to be busy on the High Street, say for example any time between October and January, just when will it be the quietest? Well, I’d like to throw in my suggestion: the 10^th of April. I went shopping on that day and, by God, I’d never seen the shops so quiet, and my trip included Oxford Street. The crowds were still out in force on the street itself, yet the shops seemed almost eerily empty. It was true of every one I went into. All I can imagine is that there is some quantifiable reason, or a number of reasons for this, possibly something to do with payday having been nearly two weeks ago along with spring not having kicked in enough to send people out to buy a spring/summer wardrobe or us not being far enough away from winter for people to have tired of their winter wardrobes. Who knows? Not me, that’s for sure. All I know is I had perhaps the least stressful mainstream shopping experience of my life, part of which I shall relate to you now.

Now, I know people slag off River Island – I remember it particularly in an episode of Fresh Meat where uber-nerd Howard attempts to look cool and his housemates immediately identify his new threads as being from there, and insist he doesn’t wear them again, but, if I can throw a slightly controversial idea into the arena of thought, I think it’s okay! In fact, I bought a few things in there. Now, I don’t want this to turn into one of those blogs where the writer just rambles on about whatever they’ve bought, but I did buy a winter coat in the sale, reckoning that whilst I may only get a few weeks’ use out of it now, I will then put it away until next winter and then have a brand new winter coat I got for a steal. (Actually, the security tag dropped off whilst I was trying it on so now I think about it I could actually have stolen it, funnily enough.)

What I didn’t buy, however, were these two things:

A Onesie

I will be writing an extended essay on the Onesie. But for now, can’t you see this is just a romper suit? I can only assume the Onesie is a massive practical joke being played by the fashion industry to see how gullible people are.

Cutaway Jeans

I can think of two fictional characters famous for wearing these. The first is Daisy Duke. Which is why, when worn by a woman, these are sometimes called Daisy Dukes. But I would refer back to the point where I mentioned the word ‘woman’. I’m pretty sure no man could look sexy in these, no matter how shapely his legs were.

The second fictional person I can think of who wears these is Tobias in Arrested Development. And the reason he wears them is because he is a ‘never-nude’, someone with a psychological inability to ever be completely naked and who even wears his cutoffs in the shower. So, if you’re thinking of buying these, can I just check which of the two it is you’re looking to emulate?