In recent years, trendy East London has seen an unprecedented surge in the number of men wearing unkempt and wild beards. The beard is, of course, a personal choice; however, when making this choice I would beg you to consider the following:
1) Renowned beard enthusiasts include Harold Shipman, Peter Sutcliffe, Noel Edmunds, Charles Manson, Abu Hamza and Bin Laden along with a) your friendly neighbourhood tramp and b) your less friendly neighbourhood rapist.
2) No one has yet managed to improve upon the beard as the most effective design for capturing bits of everything you have eaten in the last week and storing them in one place. (Do you not remember Mr Twit from The Twits by Roald Dahl? Shame on you.)
3) The beard is a time-honoured way of ensuring that any young lady who attempts to kiss you will end up looking like she tried to exfoliate her face using barbed wire. (Some women claim to like beards; but then some women write to serial killers on death row and end up marrying them. Are these the same women? I would assume so.)
4) When Joaquim Phoenix sported a luxuriant beard as part of his art terrorist hoax that involved him claiming to have turned into a rapper, and made a number of bizarre chat show appearances in support of this, he was widely assumed to have gone insane.
5) Growing a beard on the grounds that ‘it’s the natural look’ is on a par with never cutting your nails, wearing the same clothes for a month, sleeping in your own urine and not wiping your bottom, all because ‘it’s the natural look’. Tramps go for ‘the natural look’ yet they are rarely held up as arbitrators of style.
6) Birds will probably build their nests in it. I would imagine.
7) The whole trendy East London beardy thing possibly came about due to the influence of rapper Scroobius Pip but he freely admits that he grew it as a result of a period spent living in his car. And he added that it did lead to people challenging him in pubs on the grounds that he was a terrorist or some other undesirable.
8) Continuing the terrorist/hate preacher theme (for they are much the same thing in the eyes of the mainstream media), if you are considering the beard look, ask yourself this: would you expand the whole look to encapsula
te the Abu Hamza look including a hook for a hand, a wooden leg and a parrot on your shoulder? (I’ve a feeling he doesn’t actually have all those things but can never remember which one is the odd one out).
9) Goatees are probably due to be announced as the next big thing, but, based on the roll call of those who sport them, I suspect that they are actually pretty cool. If they are, and you decide to grow one, remember that the Goatee Wearers Hall of Fame includes: Marvin Hagler (renowned boxer), Ming the Merciless (interplanetary uber-fascist and foe of Flash Gordon), Anton LaVey (founder of the Church of Satan), Dave Navarro (rock guitarist and seducer of sexy ladies), George Michael (singer and cottaging enthusiast) and Derren Brown (he has magic powers).
10) The only person for whom the unkempt beard works is Alan Moore but he is an evil genius and powerful magician, and has been on the Simpsons, so is therefore far cooler than you will ever be. And if you don’t know who he is, you simply aren’t cool enough, and that is why you are here.
11) Obviously none of the above applies if you are Brian Blessed.
1) Renowned beard enthusiasts include Harold Shipman, Peter Sutcliffe, Noel Edmunds, Charles Manson, Abu Hamza and Bin Laden along with a) your friendly neighbourhood tramp and b) your less friendly neighbourhood rapist.
2) No one has yet managed to improve upon the beard as the most effective design for capturing bits of everything you have eaten in the last week and storing them in one place. (Do you not remember Mr Twit from The Twits by Roald Dahl? Shame on you.)
3) The beard is a time-honoured way of ensuring that any young lady who attempts to kiss you will end up looking like she tried to exfoliate her face using barbed wire. (Some women claim to like beards; but then some women write to serial killers on death row and end up marrying them. Are these the same women? I would assume so.)
4) When Joaquim Phoenix sported a luxuriant beard as part of his art terrorist hoax that involved him claiming to have turned into a rapper, and made a number of bizarre chat show appearances in support of this, he was widely assumed to have gone insane.
5) Growing a beard on the grounds that ‘it’s the natural look’ is on a par with never cutting your nails, wearing the same clothes for a month, sleeping in your own urine and not wiping your bottom, all because ‘it’s the natural look’. Tramps go for ‘the natural look’ yet they are rarely held up as arbitrators of style.
6) Birds will probably build their nests in it. I would imagine.
7) The whole trendy East London beardy thing possibly came about due to the influence of rapper Scroobius Pip but he freely admits that he grew it as a result of a period spent living in his car. And he added that it did lead to people challenging him in pubs on the grounds that he was a terrorist or some other undesirable.
8) Continuing the terrorist/hate preacher theme (for they are much the same thing in the eyes of the mainstream media), if you are considering the beard look, ask yourself this: would you expand the whole look to encapsula
te the Abu Hamza look including a hook for a hand, a wooden leg and a parrot on your shoulder? (I’ve a feeling he doesn’t actually have all those things but can never remember which one is the odd one out).
9) Goatees are probably due to be announced as the next big thing, but, based on the roll call of those who sport them, I suspect that they are actually pretty cool. If they are, and you decide to grow one, remember that the Goatee Wearers Hall of Fame includes: Marvin Hagler (renowned boxer), Ming the Merciless (interplanetary uber-fascist and foe of Flash Gordon), Anton LaVey (founder of the Church of Satan), Dave Navarro (rock guitarist and seducer of sexy ladies), George Michael (singer and cottaging enthusiast) and Derren Brown (he has magic powers).
10) The only person for whom the unkempt beard works is Alan Moore but he is an evil genius and powerful magician, and has been on the Simpsons, so is therefore far cooler than you will ever be. And if you don’t know who he is, you simply aren’t cool enough, and that is why you are here.
11) Obviously none of the above applies if you are Brian Blessed.
No comments:
Post a Comment